There’s one thing that ruins budding relationships unlike anything else and today I’m going to tell some of my stories but the truth is this can happen to men, this can happen to women, to gay people, straight people it can happen to you and that thing is neediness.
On the extreme side, it’s the person who on the first date starts talking about how they want to marry you and what they’re going to name their kids.
But maybe you’ve experienced the lighter side which is you sent a text to someone you like and then rather than moving on with your day, you find yourself checking, you’re checking, and wonder why they haven’t gotten back.
Whether it’s big or small, neediness can ruin relationships and that’s why I want to talk about three of the most common instances that you might be experiencing and how to deal with them because quite frankly, this is the one that ruins the relationships that you want the most. So the first thing and one that I have personal experience with is in contacting the person every single day and I will never forget how I learned this — this was scarred into me.
Way back in undergraduate, I was in my second year and a friend of mine connected me with a girl that I wound up liking and the story behind it was that this girl actually had a crush on me so when we were put together I was like, “Oh my god, this is be great.” On Thursday night, had a lot of fun, and by the end of the night, I was smitten. So I invited her out Friday and said, “Do you want to come to this place?” She was very enthusiastic, she said, “Yeah, let’s do it,” and then whatever. Her plans fell through — we didn’t wind up meeting up.
So I said, “Okay, she likes me. I’m invite her out again Saturday.” So it’s Saturday, I said, “Hey let’s go out,” and she said, “Okay let me let you know maybe we can do it,” and she never got back to me that night. So I’m thinking, “Okay she definitely likes me,” so what I did is I’ve invited her out on Sunday.
And I invited her out on Sunday and she wrote back some sort of middling response and by the time that I went to ask my friend to re coordinate another meeting with us, she said, “It’s over. You blew it. It’s too late ,” she’s no longer interested.
And I tell you this story so that you realize that you often need to create some space in between seeing someone that you really like. Now, you can put an artificial amount of time in there that is a service level thing like saying, “Okay, I’m going to wait three days — people have different rules,” but the better truth is to feel your time with things that you like. So especially after you were maybe to go on a date and it fell through, make sure the next night you do something awesome.
Could it be a date with someone else? It could be if that’s the way you want to go but maybe just something that you love to do, a movie that you like, spending time with friends — especially when you feel yourself getting very invested in someone that you don’t know that well, go back to the things you love and make sure you’re doing them because if not, you’re going to go all in on that person and it will ruin it. So the second thing that comes up that I see is begging and pleading. Now, you might be thinking, “Okay, clearly I don’t beg, I don’t plead, and I haven’t done that,” but it’s more common than you think.
When I say begging, what I mean is you invite someone out, you say, “Hey would you like to go tonight?” and they say, “I’m sorry I’ve got this thing that I need to do,” and rather than saying, “Okay cool, we’ll do it later,” you say, “Come on, it’s be so much fun. You know you want to. Like, just cancel those plans, it will be great.”